Russell Crowe Will Have You Begging For Mercy

Four years ago, if you trashed Russell Crowe, he would respond by turning your face into a dartboard and using a telephone as his dart. Well, Russell has grown up (insert fat fat fatty joke here) and handles things a little differently nowadays. Today, Russell will just make you beg for his forgiveness in between coughing up your lung and shitting out your stomach.

Earlier this week, Sydney's The Daily Telegraph farted on Russell for smoking and devouring tacos during a 13-mile bike ride with his trainer. The next morning, Annette Sharp, the columnist who gave Russell caca, received a call from a spokeswhore who said, "Get on your bike. Russell wants you to go riding with him. Are you ready to eat pie die?" When someone asks you if you're ready to die, you grab a shank and call the authorities. That's some Scream shit. But Annette decided to take Russell's challenge instead.

The two met the next morning along with Russell's assistant and a camera dude from the Telegraph. Russell took Annette on a 12-mile bike ride through Sydney. Even though Annette fell off her bike once, she managed to complete the ride. Afterwards, Annette and Russell had some ciggies and tacos. Russell didn't take the opportunity to whoop Annette's ass, instead he congratulated her on finishing his challenge and added, "Baz holds the record for being the worst cycling tourist we've ever taken for a ride. You are twice the man Baz Luhrmann is…on a bicycle. I don't know how you'd be on a film set."

When did Russell get so nice? Let's do the math! A chilled out Russell Crowe + a BBRC (big beautiful Russell Crowe) = HOOKED ON THE GOOD SHIT. Russell found peace inside a bong. His temper got smaller, but his ass got bigger. Makes sense.

Just for the record, I'd rather Russell beat me down with a phone than make me go on an ugly ass bike ride.

VIA E! Online